80-20 Rule: Achieving the Closest to a Perfect Relationship
Photo by Manuel Meurisse on Unsplash
People are familiar with the Pareto Principle in the investment field. But surprisingly, this 80-20 rule also applies to a similarly risky business called love.
Fairytales have been deeply ingrained in the human culture.
These stories have indoctrinated every child’s memory, teaching them the whimsical concepts of a happy ever after and fairytale-like romance. They’re bedtime favorites where the damsel in distress gets saved by her knight in shining armor, and they blissfully ride off in the sunset with the world and the stars in their grasp. But let’s face it, as magical as they are, fairytales often leave a bitter and emptying aftertaste. After all, they are everything but true.
There’s nothing wrong in wanting the best. But these tales may have undeniably made people’s standards skyrocket to the point where it’s detrimental to their journey of finding a genuine connection.
Everybody Wants a Fairytale, but Is It Attainable?
Most enter a relationship expecting it will fill the emptiness in their hearts. Their motivations for starting a connection are chiefly based on how their partners make them feel and a little less on the purpose it serves in their lives. They crave the enjoyment and the happiness they share with another individual, thinking this is how relationships should always be.
Influenced by the fairytales they’ve watched growing up, most are deluded that romance and relationships are where their lives should revolve around. These should be what provides the most of one’s happiness in life – a concept heavily disagreed with by professionals.
Author and clinical psychologist Maureen Hosier and her sister, Berta Hosier Conger, re-establish what people should seek in healthy relationships. In their self-help book, You’ll Do Anything for Him/Her, they redefine the core emotion people should seek in relationships. While most believe these connections thrive on happiness and excitement, they consider peace and security the strongest foundations. For a relationship to succeed, the individuals partaking in it must have a stable well-being and a healed and secured inner peace. According to both writers, every relationship’s success depends on how healed the lovers individually are.
Everybody wants a fairytale.
Unfortunately, most fairytales highlight a somewhat dependent relationship between lovers.
These stories are about a distressed lead who seeks solace and contentment with her lover, an imbalance between their dynamics and emotional provision.
Correct This by Following the 80-20 Rule
Instead of a fairytale relationship, where one leans more toward the other to provide their desired happiness, people should employ the 80-20 rule in their partnerships.
Known as the Pareto Principle and commonly used in productivity and businesses, this 80-20 rule teaches people what to prioritize in relationships. While these connections are shared between two individuals, it’s still enriched by both capacities to love and be vulnerable with their emotions. There still exists an individualistic perspective in a relationship, and the 80-20 rule helps couples maximize and prioritize the correct elements to help them strengthen their connection.
As Maureen E. Hosier has established, a relationship may only work if the couples have individually healed. As much as relationships are a mutual connection, they also remain a personal journey. Lovers aren’t expected to pour everything into a relationship, for this empties their cups for themselves, making them exhausted of the connection.
In return, they also can’t expect to receive everything from the other. Having a personal space to thrive individually is, ironically, what strengthens this mutual bond. This space is what brings two parties closer together. It sounds ironic, but allowing themselves to grow separately makes them more stable and secure with each other. Relationships aren’t only successful if the couples are happiest together. They must also learn to be happy apart while maintaining their connection.
How Can Couples Apply This Principle in Their Relationships?
As it’s primarily a principle meant to maximize productivity, applying the 80-20 rule in relationships can seem complicated. But in understanding their priorities, especially in relationships, people realize that no relationship is perfect. It won’t always be filled with happiness. It isn’t meant to be.
Couples shouldn’t base the success of their connections solely on the ups they experience. Little hiccups and obstacles will surface as days pass by. If people desire their little fairytale experience, it is easier to break genuine connections simply because they no longer provide the same amount of happiness. The 80-20 rule highlights that people should support themselves for 20% of their overall happiness by themselves. Hence, when things begin to shake in the relationship, they still have solid ground to hold themselves up.
Others may believe otherwise. They think it’s more reasonable to supply the 80% for themselves and rely on the 20% in the relationship. But regardless of how people interpret this 80-20 rule, the central message remains clear: people should establish a self-identity and have time and peace outside the relationship. They shouldn’t depend on the connection and seek everything they need. This is what breeds a toxic relationship nobody wants to stay in.
